Letter to Bella IV - Need for values

Hey Bellacita,

Here I am in Boston at last. My temporary "life-style"...where I'm in right now is taking the next level. As I woke this morning I caught sight of my "new" resolutions...that are not as new as I taught. I haven't been able to paint lately...and don't know why. I have only roamed around my room, my bed, my pencils and my front porch (when it's not 5 degrees out there). I even smoked...smoked cigars to dare myself to death. Or smell my grandpa from the air....so he could tell me what to do. Whoever I talk to, everything is nice, charming and, indeed, captivating. But I see no way to go. Which is absolutely not normal for me...

I'm in a state of glass....I can see where but just feels unreal and frozen. After some searching I'll be able to tell you more. I've classes starting this month which I'm suppost to be excited about....but hell no. I may need to be frank and tell my mom I'm frozen and need some time off. From everyone maybe.

Last night there was hot water running and steaming room where I work and I enjoyed like it was my last day. Or my first. First and Last are always the best. Rhyme. Pause. Got a phone call.

There's a huge window from the floor to the ceiling that looks onto the street...where've been spending my stretching hours. And thinking. Sometimes not thinking at all. Many mirrors...I can see thirty copies of myself if I wish.

It's true that it's not the best time for letter writing, but I'm hard pressed for your letters. I owe you two letters though. But in this initial period of the year I cannot, and will not, do any differently, and I'm doing my best to put aside what I had in mind when I came here. I'm definitely not interested in exhibitions. The few I have seen in art dealer's galleries were enough to make me realize something that is not new and has long haunted me like a nightmare...how life there is in these pictures and how little they have to do with today's life. There's nothing but decorations in nicely furnished salons. I'm envious of those who can paint the way others repair shoes or write business letters.

I have developed such high expectations of life and of my own values, that my life will loose its goals and all its meanings if I cannot make these values manifest. I never say what I think when I need...even to my own love.

But let's drop these thoughts, which are not exactly carnival-like, and also those, even less carnivalesque, that I've been trying to brush this carnival atmosphere. Besides all...I feel completely at home.

much love.

and cheers to a new year.