Letter to Bella II - the meaning of my crush

Hey darling,

I've to tell you, "estoy enamorada". And I camouflaged this from everyone. Even from myself...why?...Have noooo idea. The feeling is right there...the crush, the butterfly, and the restlessness. My life is getting better every time I talk to you. You're like my angel that knows exactly what I'm doing and why I'm here for. My letters to you make me feel free of tension and solitude. I'm not alone, but sometimes it's like nobody is there, even knowing it's not true. I've been reading "After the Quake"...given by "meu lindo" and I have to say, it's remarkable. You should read it. And Spring is finally showing its face to New England. Not a pretty face yet, but still...better than the North Pole!! I'm still a child in this land, waiting to become a woman, and turn my 21st birthday once again far away from my most loved ones. If only I had been born a decade or two earlier. As a 6th grader in trouble, instead of enduring taunts about my emerging paintings, I could have found myself in high style, mocking those poor stylish Hollywood blondes who are now struggling to grow peach fuzz as they mimic the style of the late Mexican painter-cum-icon Frida Kahlo, who was so proud of her luxurious facial hair that she painted it right on to her self-portraits. I've never done my self-portrait, and now I know why. I think now I understand many things about myself. My "amour prope" is low, as usual, when I get close to my "may 4th"...I need a hair brush, Or maybe a new pair of shoes, just to feel better. Or I taught I needed, but really, what I need is my dad singing Bee Gees on sunday morning, could you send it to me? Would be the perfect gift! hauhau...his way to wake me up. Bel...I'll never feel this again I guess, I can tell by the way my life is guiding me. I'm going to a place that I've no IDEA how the hell I got there...but I am. I woke up this morning with a certain feeling that everything is fine, I'm doing fine, my sickness is gone, and my experience in Gringolandia is becoming a real life. Today, I had a client, I said " M'am you hair looks beautiful!".."LOVE your hair cut"..she said..."Thanks...it's a wig...I've been through quimiotherapy and my hair is all gone, and you just made my day!". Have you any idea of the impact of that on me?...sure you do. She might love me from now on...and I really didn't notice that it was a wig. By the way, about my self-portrait, I don't think I'll ever be able to do it. My hands don't let me hold the pencils for it. But I did something else, a portrait of a child, from Thailand, don't know for what reason, but well...guess I never needed a reason for it. But my heart does. And now, it's all blowing...with anxiety. I've an exhibition in May 12th, nothing big, just some pieces exposed. I also got a gig...amazing though...but I won't be paid for it. haha. Have you ever gotten an unpaid job that you love as if you were paid like a hollywood star? ifshhhh. let's see what happen..darling, you looked awesome in the photo by the way. I love the way you talk about my story, the way you tell me what I am, and my process of becoming. Becoming don't know what...but something. I hope I'm changing, I hope to get a real job soon, a real peace, a real age. I hope so many things, but no matter what...hopeless is not part of me. And it'll never be. Hope more than everything else to write you more often, and telling you new stories about my Kingdom in Gringolandia. Hope to be strong enough...

much love.

Letter to Bella I - Gringolandia

Darling...After two months I write you. I know you're going to think the same as always: That "mala" is a MULA. But this time, believe me it wasn't so much "mulez". But rather cursed bad luck. Here go the powerful explanations:
Ever since I got here it's been a f...ing mess for me and all the changes. My paintings are more dead than usual. I've been trying to work on my portofolio again, I have nothing of my works from Brazil, no paintings, some papers...but that is not valuable. I've been lazy, not working at all lately, specially these past two weeks. You know that "doenca"...freaking bad luck that breaks me every once in a while...You can't have even the faintest idea of what all this has been to me. I'm not complaining, cause maybe this can sound surrealist, but I like everything that is happening. I'm learning as a "good mula" huaha, and learning, you know, is all that I need to survive in this jungle. I mean, I'm lucky, blessed or wherever they say in this Gringolandia. All this took place to the accompaniment of wonderful people. It would break your heart. As usual. Now, I know you must be crying already. Stop though. Cause I am laughing. They treat me well, thanks for asking, sometimes I confess we have some sort of obstacle, Gringolandia is full of bastards...but also...many and many wonderful people. This is New England belinha, some of them are boring and have their faces like unbaked rolls, but the mix of cultures here impresses me. There's beauty everywhere in this world. They'll always think about their superiority though. So, when I'm sick of silly questions about our "pais latino" I just turn around and forget. You know me, always trying not to stress. And by the way, I got a bottle of "cancao", I know it's not the best wine ever, but reminds me of you darling. Juliana gave to me last weekend, after Ryan's party. She knows I can't enjoy some God's blood in this Gringolandia and they think I'm child. Well, I am, I'll always be though. But miss our afternoons at the "Summer bar". Just you, me and our girlfriends.
Meanwhile I want to tell you, I miss you terribly. I love you more and more my friend. I also miss your mama, she still making that delicious "fuba"?..oohhh my, how good was that. I;m not gonna ask you anything. Because I know the answer. Or maybe I don't want know.And if you have a bit a time, go and see Vo, and give him a kiss as well. Just to let you know, I'm not alone in Gringolandia. I wish I could tell you many things, but won't be enough space for it and not even your patience, cause I know You must be getting nervous by now and my words will never be enough to explain my feelings at all. I would get you confused. When I received your letter I didn't know what to do. I must tell you that I couldn't help weeping. I felt that something was in my throat, just if I had swallowed the whole world. I don't know yet if I was sad, angry, but the sensation I felt was in first place of a great despair. I have read your letter many times, too many I think, and now I realize things that I couldn't see at first. Now I understand everything perfectly clearly, and the only thing I want, is to tell you with my best words, that you deserve in life the best, because you are one of the few people in this lousy world who are honest to themselves, and that is the only thing that really counts. It's so silly the way brazilians wenches (like myself) see life sometimes. But you know that, beeing one of them. Nevertheless you have to understand that no matter happens to us in life, you'll always be, for myself, the same "malinha" that I love and met at the "cantinho" in that creepy city of nowhere. Give a kiss to Tia monica for me and Carol..today is their birthday! Thanks for the magnificent photo. Again and Again. Thanks for your last letter. And for all treasures you gave me.

love

Mandita.